|
from What do clinical studies say?
Questions and Answers
By David Leaman, Ed.D.
- Question: My son has always felt intimidated by other boys. Now
that he's 14, he still has no male friends his own age. His high school
has just instituted a program run by GLSEN ("Gay, Lesbian and Straight
Education Network") to identify "sexually questioning youth" and send
them to gay counselors. I am afraid they may take advantage of his
confusion and isolation, and urge him to make a lifestyle choice he will
later regret. Worse yet, he could even be exposed to HIV-infection. What
can I do to protect him?
Answer: Thank goodness for parents like you! It's great to hear of your
compassion and concerns for your son. Those concerns are legitimate
because your son is vulnerable, like many other boys his age. He is
searching for companionship and is solidifying his sexual identity. The
acquaintances and friends he hangs out with will impact his view of
himself. If he associates with males who identify themselves as "gay
and proud of it," your son could be significantly influenced by them. If
he is targeted for counseling with a gay therapist, he will probably be
urged to embrace a homosexual lifestyle.
What can you do?
First, try very hard to connect him with a mature adult heterosexual man
who can be a mentor and friend. It would be most desirable for that
person to be his father, but if that is not possible, then seek out a
man in the community. Man-to-man relationships usually evolve out of
shared activities, so your son needs to connect with a healthy adult
male who will do fun things with him.
Second, your son should get into counseling with a heterosexual
therapist to learn needed social skills. Also, if father is at home,
counseling with both would be most desirable.
Third, become informed about that organization (GLSEN) and about
homosexuality. Learn about the research and clinical aspects of
homosexuality. Discuss the material at home with your son. Perhaps your
son can read some appropriate material on homosexuality and "teach" you
about it. One excellent source is the NARTH booklet entitled,
Understanding Same-Sex Attractions.
Fourth, provide for your librarian the above pamphlet and other books on
homosexuality that are recommended by NARTH. Get involved with
selected school personnel or parent-teacher associations and disseminate
appropriate information that challenges the misleading assumptions of
GLSEN. This is a tough step! Get prepared for a lot of resistance and
hostility. However, it's your child you want to protect. This type of
bold action is greatly needed in our communities.
- Question: I am a 34-year-old married man who has always been
attracted to women. Lately, however, I have been unable to get the idea
out of my head that I am really a homosexual. The idea continues to
play round and round in the back of my thoughts no matter how much I try
to get rid of it.
I am unemployed right now, so could the stress and long hours at home
have something to do with this problem? How can I find out if I am
really homosexual?
Answer: Persistent negative thoughts can develop from distressing
circumstances. Since you are unemployed, you probably have more doubts
about your worth and manhood. You are more vulnerable to worry and
focusing on negative thoughts. Be careful not to falsely label
yourself.
Try to identify what triggered your anxious thoughts about
homosexuality. What precipitating events caused you to doubt your sexual
identity at this time? Was there a dream, some sexual fantasy, or a
disturbing comment that you recently heard which made you feel
uncomfortable? Honestly face your feelings and talk to a therapist
confidentially to learn some strategies to reduce anxiety and negative
thinking.
Realize that having a homosexual thought does not make you a homosexual.
Healthy people occasionally experience a variety of obsessive thoughts.
Worrying that you have cancer certainly does not mean that cancer exists
in your body. Don't confuse the worrisome thought with the reality.
There is no simple test to determine if you are a "homosexual." But
your lifelong self-identity as a heterosexual, along with your personal
sexual experiences, do indicate a heterosexual orientation.
Homosexuality is best understood as a symptom of underlying issues. In
the small child, there exists an unconscious drive for bonding with the
same-sex parent. Same-sex erotic attractions develop primarily, I
believe, from childhood experiences. In the case of the boy, an
emotional wound with the father remains unhealed and the person seeks to
resolve that unmet need through sexual activity with persons of the same
gender. Additionally, there is a basic fear of intimacy with someone of
the opposite sex. Thus homosexuality can be described as a same-sex
attachment disorder (Cohen, 2000, Coming Out Straight). The individual
is significantly detached from the same-sex parent, from same-sex peers,
and from their own body.
If you are not actively choosing a homosexual lifestyle, you should not
label yourself as such. The fact that you are experiencing some doubts
about your sexuality certainly does not define you as homosexual.
Consult a competent cognitive-behavioral therapist for help. Also
request and read the pamphlets from NARTH on Homosexuality: Questions
and Answers.
- Question: Ten years ago I went through therapy, came out of a gay
lifestyle, and thought my problems were behind me. I got married and
became an elder in my church, and everything seemed to be on track.
Lately, however, I find myself seeking out gay pornograhy on the
internet. I love my wife and I love being a father. I have no desire
whatsoever to go back into a gay lifestyle; that life was empty and
unrewarding. So why, then, could I be regressing?
Answer: Think back. Recall what you learned in therapy ten years ago.
Remember the struggles you had as you made the transition from a
homosexual lifestyle to heterosexual adjustment. What key things did you
learn about yourself? Write them down now and reflect on your journey
and accomplishments.
Be grateful, and be merciful to yourself. Be confident of your growth,
but not naïve! Did you really think that you would never have to
struggle with homosexual fantasies or thoughts again?
Your initial sexual experiences as a child or adolescent were very
powerful in shaping your future sexual arousal. Your early sexual
stimulation formed a template for what is enticing and arousing. They
became solidified by repeatedly thinking or acting on those sexual
memories. You probably will not completely extinguish those arousal
mechanisms, because they are very strong and pervasive. However, you do
not have to be dominated by them nor feel helpless in managing them. But
neither should you feed those fantasies and continue to reactivate the
sexual feelings from those initial memories.
Do not condemn yourself for having same-sex attractions or homosexual
thoughts. Like the alcoholic who is vulnerable throughout his life,
candidly admit that you also are susceptible to homosexual temptations.
Periodically, you will have to face same-sex arousal, even though you
have been free from it for a long time. That does not mean you are
regressing. It only means you are human.
Take all precautions to avoid homosexual pornography. It will seduce
you, deceive you and destroy you. It will also eventually destroy your
significant relationships. Pornography is a pathetic substitute for
intimacy. It is exciting--creating a temporary high--but quickly
consumes your flesh and your soul.
You definitely need accountability. Take the risk to confide in one or
two persons, admitting your temptation and confessing your actions. Ask
them to hold you accountable by checking on your behavior at least
weekly. Block your internet access to the porn sites. If you are a
person of faith, you will find that prayer helps.
Finally, consider that pornography is addictive. Try to connect with a
recovery group such as Homosexuals Anonymous (610-376-1146) or Exodus
International (206-784-7799) for the support you need.
Updated: 8 February 2008
|
|
Defend the truth! Make a difference.
  |
|
